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Best Oneliners

I have collected these for many years from various sources, hope they make you laugh.

  • If Pro is the opposite of Con, what is the opposite of "Progress"?
  • A clear conscience is most often a sign of a bad memory.
  • Sure, when pigs...OINK, FLAP, OINK, FLAP...well I'll be damned!
  • Deadlines amuse me.
  • Drop your carrier, we have you surrounded!
  • The floggings will continue until morale improves.
  • The buck doesn't even slow down here!
  • Multitasking=3 PC's and a chair with wheels.
  • Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again.
  • Double your hard disk space: DELETE WINDOWS!
  • Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
  • My computer never loc.....
  • If it works, tear it apart and find out why.
  • Jesus is coming back and he's pissed!
  • Iraq's national bird: "DUCK"
  • If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • All work and no play, will make you a manager.
  • Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
  • (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer!
  • Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.
  • Please return stewardess to original upright position.
  • It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
  • I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
  • I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.
  • I've had fun before, This isn't it.
  • If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
  • DOS never says "EXECELLENT" command or file name".
  • Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
  • Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  • God created orgasms...so you'd know when to stop.
  • File not found. I'll load something "I" think is interesting.
  • He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
  • Many a family tree needs trimming.
  • Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
  • Stupid people shouldn't breed.
  • I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  • A cellar is a hole in the ground that you try to keep water out of.
  • After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
  • Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
  • I'm sorry, sir, that line is busy till Monday. Would you hold please?
  • Let's put the blame where it belongs: On somebody else.
  • If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
  • If its good, they'll stop making it.
  • I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.
  • Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
  • I like work...I can sit and watch it for hours.
  • If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
  • People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
  • Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
  • Don't let your mouth write no check that your butt can't cash.
  • Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  • If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
  • I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
  • The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
  • God made the idiot for practice, and then He made the government.
  • Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
  • If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
  • There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.
  • When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
  • Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense.
  • When I am right nobody remembers...When I am wrong nobody forgets!
  • Yesterday is a dream, Tomorrow is a vision, Today is a bitch.
  • If something can go wrong it will, and at the worst possible time.
  • Behind every sucessful man is a proud wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.
  • A good memory is needed after one has lied.
  • Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal.
  • Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.
  • If you understand everything, you must be misinformed.
  • Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone might be looking.
  • Every man who possesses power is impelled to abuse it.
  • If there is no God, then who pops up the next Kleenex?
  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  • Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
  • All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
  • That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
  • Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
  • It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
  • The fact that it works is immaterial.
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
  • FAMOUS LAST WORDS: Put on your seatbelt, I want to try something.
  • FAMOUS LAST WORDS: I wonder what this button does....
  • FAMOUS LAST WORDS: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
  • FAMOUS LAST WORDS: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
  • FAMOUS LAST WORDS: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
  • FAMOUS LAST WORDS: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
  • FAMOUS LAST WORDS: You and what army?
  • FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle, never fired, dropped once.
  • ON A TOMESTONE: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
  • HARDWARE: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
  • WEED: A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.
  • MENU: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
  • DIE: To stop sinning suddenly.
  • SWEATER: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
  • MAGNOCARTIC: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
  • BORE: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
  • DAWN: The time when men of reason go to bed.
  • MARV'S 5TH RULE: You have taken yourself too seriously.
  • ECONOMY: Cutting down other people's wages.
  • GAMBLING: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
  • PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
  • FARIY TALE: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
  • SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
  • CORRUPT: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
  • OBSCENITY: Whatever gives a judge an erection.
  • JUSTICE: A decision in your favor.
  • SHIN: A device to find furniture in the dark.
  • GOAL: A dream with a deadline.
  • DISASSEMBLER: An unattended five year old child.
  • COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
  • LAW OF GIFTS: You get the most of what you need the least.
  • DIPLOMACY: Saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
  • MARV'S RULE: It works better if you plug it in.
  • LAW OF CONSTRUCTION: Cut it large and kick it into place.
  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
  • Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
  • Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
  • No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
  • Elevators smell different to midgets.
  • Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
  • If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
  • Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
  • Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
  • Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  • Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
  • Xerox never comes up with anything original.
  • An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
  • Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
  • Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
  • Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
  • Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
  • It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
  • Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
  • If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
  • I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
  • The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
  • Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
  • Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
  • You always find something in the last place you look.
  • I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exaggerating.
  • Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Interchangable parts won't.
  • Sanity is a madness put to good uses.
  • If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
  • The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
  • If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.
  • About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  • Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
  • Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
  • There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  • Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
  • Anything labeled "NEW" and "IMPROVED" isn't. It means the price went up.
  • You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
  • Ask not who the phone is for...if you are in the bathtub, it's for you.
  • The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
  • If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
  • Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
  • Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • Quality assurance dosen't.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
  • The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
  • The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
  • You never want the one you can afford.
  • If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  • Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
  • The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A free agent is anything but.
  • The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • The one item you want is never the one on sale.
  • The phone WILL ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
  • A friend in need is a pest indeed.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • A man's house is his hassle.
  • A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
  • A penny saved is ridiculous.
  • An authority knows lots of things you don't care about.
  • Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
  • The wrong way always seems the more reasonable.
  • Let no good deed go unpunished.
  • All great discoveries are made by mistake.
  • If it jams, force it...if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  • An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys.
  • The client who pays the least complains the most.
  • When the plane you're on is late, your connecting flight is on time.
  • There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.
  • If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
  • Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.
  • In order to get a loan you must first prove that you don't need it.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
  • If it's good, they discontinued it.
  • Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • Cleanliness is next to impossible.
  • When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
  • Any tool dropped will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
  • When the going gets tough...everyone leaves.
  • Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
  • There is no limit to how bad things can get.
  • What you don't do is always more important than what you do.
  • A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
  • All things being equal, you lose.
  • If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
  • Nothing ever comes out as planned.
  • Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
  • Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
  • Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
  • If you know something can go wrong and prepare, something else will go wrong.
  • Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
  • Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
  • Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
  • If it doesn't fit, you're not hitting it hard enough.
  • A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
  • No man's life, liberty, or property are safe when legislature is in session.
  • The bigger they are...the harder they hit.
  • The one who snores will fall asleep first.
  • Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them.
  • The show you've been looking forward to all week will be preempted.
  • The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
  • If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
  • I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once.
  • I'm talking and I can't shutup!
  • Some people are alive simply because it's illegal to kill them.
  • It's going to be a bad day when: You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
  • It's going to be a bad day when: You call Suicide Prevention and they put on hold.
  • It's going to be a bad day when: You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
  • It's going to be a bad day when: Your income tax check bounces.
  • It's going to be a bad day when: Your pet rock snaps at you.
  • If you don't want an enema, don't be an asshole.
  • You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  • Opportunity knocked. My doorman threw him out.
  • Never do anything yourself that others can do for you.
  • Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
  • In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, ``Sorry, we're open.''
  • Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.
  • There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
  • We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.
  • Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
  • The two most beautiful words in the English language are ``check enclosed.''
  • It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  • Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
  • The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting.
  • A fool and his money are soon audited.
  • Why is a Chinese fortune cookie written in English?
  • Money isn't everything, according to those who have it.
  • Every household should have a filing cabinet upon which to stack important papers.


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